Her name is Fern. She's...well, she can't be explained in just one sentence. Instead, I think I'd like to try to explain her in a series of blog posts. Only problem, though, is you have to promise never to tell Fern I'm writing about her. It might make her as sick as she's ever been. (More on that some other time.)
If I had to choose one word to describe Fern's most prominent personality trait, I'd say this: Fern is frugal. Miserly, even. Once my mom told me how embarrassed she was that Fern refused to buy sandwich bags when my mom was a child. Instead, Fern saved bread bags after the loaf was gone, then used those to put sandwiches in and send with her kids to school for lunch. "That's not so bad," I thought. Then I learned that some of those bread bags had been in use literally for years. Fern washed the bread bags and hung them out to dry on the line, right alongside the clothes. Miserly, I say.
There's no telling how far Fern will go to save a penny, especially on food. Recently, Fern found herself with a surplus of hamburger buns. She had five leftover buns and nothing to do with them. But suddenly, a lightbulb! McDonald's double cheeseburgers are only ONE DOLLAR EACH! So Fern drove herself down to The Mac Donald's. ("You just can't beat a hamburger from The Mac Donald's," she says.) She walked up to the counter and ordered five double cheeseburgers, plain, cheese on the side. I can only imagine how puzzled the clerk must have been, but she complied. Fern paid $5 plus tax and, as I picture it, left the restaurant giddy, gleeful, having just hatched an ingenious scheme. She drove home and retrieved her five leftover hamburger buns. Then, she disassembled the double cheeseburgers, cheese on the side, and reassembled them into -- you guessed it -- ten cheeseburgers.
What did she do with the cheeseburgers? She didn't have friends over. She didn't binge on fast food. "I wrapped 'em up real tight and put 'em in the freezer!" she said. "Now I can have me a Mac Donald's cheeseburger anytime I want! And they only cost 50 cents a piece!"
Like I said, Fern is frugal. Miserly, even.